"Mommy! Mommy!" Cries and screams come from Hazel as Edison shouts. I pick up my daughter and try with all my might to calmly speak to Edison. We haven't had anything to eat for lunch yet. Hazel didn't sleep the night before. I've had little sleep, I'm in tights and a stained T-shirt, my hair is in a messy bun, I haven't showered, there's no make up on my face. I say to myself "you've got this. It's ok." I attend to all the needs and finally eat.
*deep breath* "I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm enough."
Anxiety is a liar.
My brain feels so out of control most days that it's hard to recognize myself in it anymore. I didn't realize the extent of my anxiety until I was forced by friends to face it head on. And then finding fhe perfect dose of medication in pregnancy was easy. I went from high anxiety to manageable anxiety levels. All the sudden I understood that what I was constantly battling wasn't normal.
"Wait! Hold the front door. You're telling me that not everyone is terrified to leave their house? Not everyone can't take their kid to the library or grocery shopping or swimming without relentless fear and panic? Not everyone is petrified of driving if they don't know exactly where they're going and force their husbands to go with them?"
Something was obviously horribly wrong and I kept eating crappy food for comfort and gaining weight, fixed to my phone while ignoring the problem.
I have generalized anxiety disorder which is made worse in pregnancy and postpartum. I was diagnosed in February and started taking medication right away.
Today I'm learning more about my body and my brain. I'm trying hard to figure out what course of treatment is best and it's hard with all the fluctuations in hormones with my breastfeeding and postpartum body.
Anxiety is a joy stealer. It tries to rob you of everything and leave you dazzled and confused, gasping for breath. The moments of consumed overwhelming sadness are horrible in the midst of them but I'll eventually figure it out and find a treatment that fits me the best. I'm not scared to share my struggle anymore since speaking with so many who go through it daily themselves.
Self love matters
Self care matters
I matter
I am enough
Anxiety and depression are not welcome here
Anxiety does not define me
N.
