Today there were schools that came in to talk to students (especially third and fourth year students, which I am) about their Masters programs. I'm not sure if its a secret that one of my greatest wants out of life is to complete a masters degree in psychology and counseling. I can't think of anything other than marrying, being a mother and accomplishing a Masters... for my life. Seriously. I mean of course God is the number one in my life, there is nothing close to comparing to that. All I am stating is that the desire to hold in my hand a degree and educate myself is one of the passions I never dreamed to have. Especially not for psychology. The photo above is my Introductory to Psychology 1&2 text book. It is this class, and this book where my joy lies as I pull it out and read for tests and papers. Now experiencing more psych classes this semester, what I have learned from that book I am practicing and understanding even more in specific and narrow ways.
What I'm getting at is... I can't see myself doing anything else. Like I can't picture myself being NOTHING else then a counselor and masters degree student. Nothing else other than a mother. There is no way that I will put off having children, I want them more than the passion I have for a degree. But I can't see myself waking up to any other joy (in the working department) than counseling, or being a health psychologist.

But honestly.. I am scared SHITLESS! and yes, I am sorry I swore, but I swear its the truth. And today made me aware of these two facts. Super, totally, 100% SCARED! but super, totally, 100% sure.
And even more sure that I'll need ALL of Gods strength to be the best counselor I can be! Because I sure as heck ain't going to be able to do it on my own.
And that is another BIG reality that I have come to today! Today has been a good day!

Blessings!

This was our first ever photo together in February 2006, a couple weeks before we were "officially dating". Although everyone knew it would happen eventually... So now, on the 24th of this February, Cam and I will be celebrating our TWO year anniversary! I wonder where the time has gone?! Its amazing that when I came here to CBC, and walked up into that student lounge for the first time it would bring me to look forward to one of my most favorite days of the year! It took that one "hello" to get me hooked on him, and I can replay the way he sat, what he was doing, and how I felt in that moment we met for the first time. Kinda corny right? Well... not so much in my eyes. Every single day I praise God for the blessing of Cam, he has held my hand through so much that has happened in these past two years. There is no one else on earth who is better for me. I swear it! I fall in love with him more every single day, so I am excited for the day when we're both old and wrinkled, holding hands as we walk around the nearest park, admiring each other, Gods creation and the way our lives treated us. Yep, one of these days! :) This post has no real significance, other then my boasting of my most wonderful boyfriend!

Gods blessings!!

so... I went home this past friday night because my family was celebrating my moms birthday by going out for a nice dinner (mmm... chinese food) and a movie (the bucket list was good!) but while I was home my mom and I had a good discussion. After asking me how Ive been, with the diet specifically and all, I answered "all right, I just can't seem to shake off the feeling that Im not doing the best I can" well, her response was more than brilliant, "Nicole, you keep thinking that you're going to wake up one day without any cravings or without it being difficult, this is something you're going to have to deal with every day. Asking the Lord for his strength to do your very best that day to eat the best way you can for your health. Its not going to be easy, until you accept and recognise this, you'll more than likly continue to have problems and struggles but each day is going to be different, and thats okay!" WOW! brilliant huh? So.. this is where I am today, and where I intend to stay and go forward from. She's right, there isn't going to be the day when I wake up and go "hey! no cravings, this is super simple, horray for me!" hahahah.. thats unlikly, but I can wake up and say "Father God, I give this day to you and I ask for your strength to say no to the foods I need to say no to and achieve the health that I need to achieve, I ask that you be glorified through this experience and that you level the hormonal imbalance in my body, in your glorious name, AMEN!"

Blessings! :)

It is amazing to me how powerful nausea can be and how devastating it can also be to myself and the wonderful "health streak" I had been on for almost two full weeks. I know that its "early in the game" but one fallen step back to me feels like a dancing game and failure that I wish NOT to experience. I was given pills to help my stomach pain and sure enough, they make me nauseous, severely so that I need some sort of solid carbohydrate to stop and settle it. NOT so much fun when that is exactly what I am hoping to stay away from, and what from time to time causes pain and discomfort. But the major problem here is the little bit of "luxury" in carbs that causes the want for more. And finally brings me to loose sight of the true intentions of why I was doing this in the first place.
My first little hump, and Im sure there will be more. Complete health can not come in the first two weeks of a restrictive diet that offers healing. This will take time, and although I am rushing through what feels like the rushing current that is before me, reality is that steps back are inevitable. I need to realize this and be alright with it. I can not rationalize, but prepare for the hard roads and times that there are before me.
Maybe restaurants aren't for me right now, but that doesn't mean they won't be in a few weeks, months, next year. The time will come when I can sit down, order a burger and fries, enjoy and not be guilty, not have pain, not be sad with my choice, and not sorrow over an increasing health issue.
Instead the time will come when my favorite meal can be my favorite again, and not every day, but once a week maybe... and I will be okay because I will be glad that I took the time and the effort and used Gods strength to get me back to the point of being able to say "yes! I would like to order" and not be afraid of it.

Joy is in the air!, at least around me it is!
Blessings

Everything is starting to feel just a little bit overwhelming at the moment. I have my diet to be concerned about, the pills and fibre supplements that I need to make sure Im taking when Im supposed to take them. Seriously, its not easy! Then I have homework, and lets just say Ive stupidly decided to take two of the hardest classes in the same semester! (NOT a good idea), but doo-able, (hopefully!). Also, I'am working in the cafeteria again, no food card means, no food, so I need to make money so that I can go and fee myself! grrrr.... but honestly, what I think Ive just come to realize, right now, as I write this... is that its all okay, I can do it! I can make changes and experience life the way I choose to experience it. I don't need to be stressed or worried, or overwhelmed if I don't choose to be. I can just say "Im going to do my best, be my best and overcome all the obstacles that are before me!" I don't need to be little Miss. Worry! I just need to be rested in the love of Christ, family and friends. There is no need to freak out, I need to remember that life carries on, and I can do my best to succeed where I need to, but when it all comes down to it, I can't loose myself in the chaos of it all.

Blessings!

Its really incredible to me how psyched I am to accomplish what is before me. Here I have potentially been told the wrong thing these past four and a half years regarding my stomach and the problems with my digestion and progressive health failure. I won't go far into these details for the results from my tests haven't found their way back to me yet... but I feel very empowered to do what I know needs to be done and to watch my body transform from sickness to health. It really is the most amazing achievement. I have been on this "plan" since January 1st and I have already seen incredible results and improvement. Nothing is impossible, and nothing is too far out of reach. Im learning about determination, self discipline and structure, goal setting, healthy living and strength.

Praise God, for if He was not the one I kept running to, Im sure I would have never been able to get through these past four years.

Blessings!

YIPPPEEEEEEEEE.... so I went to the doctors today and it was such a wonderful appointment. I went and got more blood work done and there are some other things that they are going to check, but all in all... health is on its way! I am SO EXCITED and I FINALLY know exactly what to do!

PRAISE GOD!

Blessings and a Happy New Year to all!

you know... I feel so much like the answer is there right in front of me. That I have the strength to do what I need to do in regards to eating well, and spending the time I need to spend in the word of God. Yet... at the same time there is still that part of me that holds me back. That whispers that its not going to happen. I still find it truly difficult to deal with all that goes on in me, my body feels so foreign to me. I guess thats kind of hard to understand, but its almost as if I try to do something good, that I have one answer and then all the sudden another pops up and something once again seems to be wrong.

Ive been getting bad, dizzy headaches and I kept wondering what was going on. Friends said its my eyes and to check it out. So I went to a doctor, after a month of these headaches... I couldn't deal with it anymore, it was like I needed to sleep all the time. So, more tests. As well, my doctor said that I can't get all the nutrition that my body needs if I choose to go forward in a vegetarian diet. He said that its almost impossible to get all the protein and substances that my body is obviously craving. So, he suggested that I reconsider and go back on eating lean chicken and fish. Well, fish is out of the question. The last time I ate salmon I was sick for four days. However, chicken and turkey may not be a bad idea. Go on it for a while, get my strength back in other areas, take the detox stuff and get back to normal. Then work on getting rid of the chicken/turkey allergy. I mean, Ive dealt with the stomach stuff before... I can surely do it again. I can't handle this "drunk" feeling any longer, its driving me crazy... I feel like I can't function.

Its nuts huh? One doctor tells you to do one thing, and another the opposite. One test reveals your allergic to meat, yet another could reveal that I need meat in order to function. That I could possibly have low blood sugar and low iron. BA! hahaha... so Im in limbo... again...

Please Father God, please guide me to the answer and the plan that I can follow, that is right for me to regain my health.

Blessings.

Each and every time I see these girls, my heart melts and I grow more in love with them. They are Cams sisters girls. The adorable red head is Jackie who belongs to Michele and the blonde cutie is Addie who belongs to Jen. Both of these girls are precious and wonderful. I had such an amazing time holding them, cuddling with them, chasing them around, playing with them and watching them make my heart melt a little more. I want children! I sure do... I miss them already and I just left them a couple hours ago.
This Christmas feels different. And Im not sure why. Maybe its because of all the time Ive spent at Cams parents place, hanging out with the family, becoming more apart of the family and just seeing what life will be like down the road.
Or maybe its because the hardwood in our home was just put in so that the last week was spend putting our place back together again. The tree did just go up a couple days ago.
Maybe its also because school ended just last week, and I wasn't home with my family as often. There hasn't been a gingerbread house decorated, no Christmas train at Stanley park, no waiting in line to see Santa, no making a snow fort in the snow... none of that... just a different kind of style this year. But none-the-less days leading up to this Christmas Eve, and tomorrow, Christmas day!
What an amazing time of year.

I am so thankful for what this time of year truly means. That Jesus Christ was born to the virgin Mary to save us all from ourselves. That he sacrificed himself at Easter, but was born on Christmas. PRAISE GOD! for his most precious gift.
AMEN!

Blessings to you all this Christmas!

while I hugged a friend good-bye the other day... actually two separate friends going two separate ways in their lives, compared to mine. I realized that life most certainly moves on. Friends move away, go in different directions, get married, have children, buy property, get new jobs. There is such a strange sense that seasons come and seasons go in the year... but I find also in life. I love how one of my close friends calls the times of her life "seasons" That they are almost like chapters of a book that describe every specific part of where she is, and where she goes. I adore that phrase and try to use it as my own.
In my own life I have experienced many different seasons, some bad, some good, some not-so-good, some not-so-bad. All having their own friends, their own style of myself, their own meaning and specific direction to bring me to the next chapter. And although some things that have happened in those seasons have been hard to admit where honest mistakes were made in an honest naive way most times, I don't trade anything in for something else. Because if I had, then the season I'm living at this moment would not be the way it is.
Even the seasons that are meshed with others, I bring everything... every experience, heartache, pain, joy, praise into the next chapter of my life. Working through everything to somehow, in some way be the person and continue to walk in the direction that God has laid out for me. Wherever that is, whoever I am made to be.
I love the people that have walked with me through every aspect of my life. And those that may say that I never loved or cared for them. Please recognize your mistake. That part of who I was, or the part of me that was begging to be something more, loved you with what I had at that moment in time. And if you are my precious friend today, still living with me, going through the stages of my life with me, and those of your own, please understand as well that we may not be together forever. And thats okay! For the love of friends, never truly fades away.
I've begun to understand this and have found peace, I've mourned over the idea that the people I love with so much of my heart may not be with me tomorrow, or the year next. Not because of death, but because of life. Because direction is fickle, things happen, lives move on... and thats okay.
I am thankful for who I am... I am thankful especially for the God I serve, but I am as well thankful for those who have been such great friends. Even those that have been acquaintances, or those that have hurt me in some way or other, or who I may have hurt as well.
Growth, life, moving on... it hurts... but its necessary. And I am thankful for that too!

Blessings on all!

Yesterday Columbia had their Christmas Banquet, It was a lot of fun. Cam and I sat with Carlene, Nate, Julie, Erin and Donna. Lots of laughs and seeking in the food line! Im coming home to Surrey December 14th! Im very very excited to have three weeks of relaxation, no stress, and just Christmas fun!!! yay!!!

I need to go Christmas shopping :S eeeeeekkkk.... its getting too close!

Blessings,
Nicole.

So for those of you who do not know, I LOVE Christmas! So as I sit here looking at the Christmas lights in my apartment with stockings, a mini tree, advent calenders and ordainments hanging from the ceiling. I am in such excitement that the day is near where we have the opportunity to be blessed with family fellowship, sing carols (we already have some stuck in our heads) and eat a wonderful meal. But most importantly celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ!
This time of year, is seriously the best!

Blessings!

One of the things that I have been thinking a lot about lately is just life in general. My life has been filled of things, good things, great things, hard things, sucky times, blessed events! I am thrilled with the life that I have been blessed with. I am excited beyond words for the future I am working towards.
My parents named me Nicole Elisabeth. And although I do not know what Elisabeth means, Nicole I do know, means VICTORY. This is why the name of this blog is Forgiven.Victory. I am forgiven in Christ and I am victorious in Him through all the stuff in my life.
I am going to counseling, and I am not ashamed that I am. I am thrilled that I am! I am working through things in my life that have held me for years beyond what I am able to remember, and I am excited for the Victory that has taken place in my life. My parents rightfully named me Nicole, for I have become Victorious over much in my life. And continue to win over more.

This picture was taken at Katie and Mike Hughes wedding. What a gorgeous wedding it was! I am so thankful that Cam is in my life, I love him more than the word love can even express and I am excited for the wonderful that God has in store for us!

Blessings! :)

I was sitting here contemplating about life, and my long weekend back home in Surrey with my parents when I came to realize how immensely blessed I am in my relationship with my mother. Of course there are those times when we get onto one another's nerves, when we say things we don't mean and hurt one another. But every relationship goes through those times. Yet despite those times, my mother and I have the typical "Gilmore Girls" relationship. We are friends, we are family, she is what a sister would get to be in my life. And I am BLESSED!
I shared some life changing news with my mother this past weekend, and truth be told I made her cry in the soup aisle at Save-on-Foods. But that is what I can count on, tears of joy when the news is good, and tears of sorrow when I can't seem to find joy in anything. My mother will always be such a huge part of who I am. She has helped shape me into the woman I continue to become, the good in me, the bad in me, the bold in me. It comes from her amazing mothering skills, and overwhelming love. I am grateful for my Mommy, and I am excited for what the end of 2007, and whole of 2008 will bring for the both of us!

I love you mom!

Don't cha love my wonderful art work?... I DO!

I was inspired by my grandmother before the summer, to start painting. My grandmother, Helen Fast-Kroeker, is the most extravagant painter I know. seriously, she's amazing, and Im not even being biased because she is my grandmother. I figured that some of her wonderful talent MUST have rubbed off on me. So... this is my very first attempt at painting, no classes, no previous knowledge, just paint, a brush and me. Along with Traci, Julie and some worship music.

Ive been thinking a lot lately, and along with my new found love for painting, I have discovered that there is so much emotion worth capturing.
My heart has been consumed with tears and darkness lately, lots of things in my life has been weighing me down and I can't seem to break free from them.
I even just discussed with my roomies, the feeling of having to rip off a band-aid, where there is a huge wound underneath. But not wanting to remove the band-aid. Anything else...anything else God, just don't remove the band-aid, don't allow me to see how big the wound is underneath (the comfortable place I have rested in). No matter how self destructive this place is.
I can see, I have been told the things that need to be done, I can see my own behaviors, I understand the consequences. Yet there is the step to take to consciously rip myself from the comfortable place and expose myself for who I really am...

Father God, when I close my eyes, I see myself sitting on your lap, you holding my life before me. Here I can recognize that YOU are in control, that YOU have my life within your fatherly care. I ask for your strength, I ask for you rip off the band-aid of comfortable pain and reluctance, I ask for you to show me that your strength is all I need to get through, that I can do all that you are asking me, that I don't need to be fearful.
Please help me to see that the wound isn't as scary as I make it out to be.
Amen.

Blessings!

"So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." 1 Peter 4:19

I really love this verse. Mainly because we just finished doing a project on it in Hermeneutics class, and secondly because I feel like it speaks into my life perfectly. It may not be that God willed it for me to allow myself to do what has been done to my body. BUT I know that he wills for him to be glorified through it. That he wishes for me to not sit in self despair, hurting myself further, but to get up out of the darkness and walk confidently in who I am and more importantly in who he is. My identity does not come from sickness, not from what I eat, but from Christ alone.

Blessings! :)

I am SO BLESSED! to have such a wonderful house this year at CBC, Amber and Traci are amazing! Everything is so much fun!!!! This is most defiantly my home. Lately I've been thinking of all the things I am blessed with. And I am blessed with more than I can imagine. A wonderful family, a wonderful boyfriend, wonderful friends and school environment. Even the boys next door are like my missing brothers from home. I just can not believe that although I get frustrated, although I get sad and down, that the life I live is beyond what words can express. I am thankful, I am happy with my life and with what steps I am taking to walk in the will of God to make each day better than the next.

Thanks for blessing me! You are appreciated!

so you would think that things would be easier now that I know exactly what is making me sick. But unfortunately thats not the case. I think that the whole eating completely differently than what was expected is almost harder. I feel lost. I have no idea what its like to not eat meat, I haven't touched it really since the results. I feel like I am eating carbs way too much, but I only have tortilla wraps (no yeast) as my source of "bread". At this moment I have excruciating pain on my left side which hasn't gone away, and I haven't eaten anything off the "no" list. I wonder if it is psychological, thinking for so long that dairy, wheat, sugar was making me sick and all the sudden finding out that its fine. Either that, or Im not eating enough, so when I eat a normal size meal all the sudden my "insides" get blocked and it causes great pain. I've been on the couch since 7pm and its close to midnight.

I ask for fellow believers to pray for me and for guidance to help me discover what it is I am supposed to do. There is so much preparation, so my time, effort, that needs to go into all of this. I feel so much like I don't have a grasp on anything and the cravings have become overwhelming again.
I mean sugar is alright, coffee is alright, dairy is alright, as long as I am giving myself time in between my helpings. I can't over due it. I just don't have the body that allows such a thing.

Its getting used to who I am, discovering the body I have been given. Its understanding whats going on.
My mom was encouraging yesterday. She said "you have Leaky Gut Syndrome Nicole, it took years for you to get to this point, you cannot expect it to take you a week to heal and recover"
shes right!
the villi (I think I spelled that right) are shrinking and retracting because of all the sensitivity in my system, this is NOT GOOD! but its reality for me.
Its something I can not ignore, its something I can not deny, its something that will live with me for a while longer. And God has blessed me by introducing me to healing in this way.

I need to allow God to be glorified through this... I can not allow this to be all about me. I will have no strength on my own accord to get through this.

Thanks for listening to my ranting... I greatly appreciate it!

Blessings!

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT!!!! I hardly believe it myself... actually I am in a state of complete shock as to what my test results are. No worries, it's nothing horrible and it is DEFINITELY something doable. so what Am I sooo crazed about??

I am allergic to MEAT!!!! hahahahaah.... come on now, laugh with me!
Thats right, No:
Beef, Chicken, Turkey, or Eggs.
ALSO! NO:
shell fish of any kind, and no fish in general.
I will NEVER again be able to eat tuna or sole fish, the sensitivity is the highest on the scale. As well, Salmon is one food that will probably take me years to regain.

BUT! you haven't heard the clincher yet...
I AM NOT ALLERGIC TO: wheat, gluten or cows milk! :P

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!?!?!?!?!?
This means that I can have wheat, I can have icecream, I can have chocolate!
I CAN HAVE COFFEE!!!!!

BUT!!!!!!
I am allergic to Yeast :P
which still means no bread, no baking, nothing at all with yeast in it. No crackers, no cake, no donuts, none of that fun stuff still... As well, those things contain egg.
So the whole time I thought I was wheat/gluten/dairy sensitive, I was actually reacting to the egg and yeast in bread and baking products.
AMAZING right!? :)

As well, NO goats milk, NO cheese, NO cottage cheese.
and FINALLY! an explanation for my mother as to why I was so sick as a new born and why I had such horrible stomach pain... I am allergic to breast milk! (go figure huh!?)

So... ALL fruit is okay!!!! yay!!!! and I am only allergic to garlic, green beans, carrots and peas in the veg department.
Along with NO peanuts, NO sesame, NO oats, NO white rice (but brown rice and wild rice is okay)

My body is still severely sensitive, I am on a liver detox, and there are still some funky hormone tests and such things I need to do... I need to keep going back once a month, I have waaaaaaaaay more protein shakes, oil supplements, pills and such things that I'll need a serious system, journal and calendar log of everything!!!

I can not eat ANYTHING the same every day... I need to wait for four days until I can eat something I ate four days ago. I HAVE to do this. If I don't then I will become sensitive to different things all over again... a new way of life for me I guess!

Tomorrow I will wake up a vegetarian... and I will most likely have to stay that way for a LOOOONNNNGGGG time in order to confirm that I can regain it back. If I stay away, regain and than eat meat all the time again within a couple months, the sensitivity will come back again. Better to stay away and keep staying away. As well, every year I will have to take this blood test and re-adjust my diet to the results.

SO!... thats it!!!! different huh???
But I know that I can make it work... having icecream, and chocolate back makes my day!!!! I already bought a chocolate bar today and had a frapp!!!
yippppeeee for it all, its good news and bad news, but its news that I can handle and that I was preparing myself for... for a loonnng time!
FINALLY! I have clearance and confirmation.

Be as Blessed as I!
and PRAISE GOD! that it's not as bad as it could be... I am honestly completely HAPPY!

This is it... tomorrow I am going in for my results, I can not even believe that it has come this fast already. I feel nervous for it, yet at the same time I feel ready to finally know and finally start my six month journey of elimination dieting. As well, its been a month since I first went to Galina, and Ive "cheated" only three times! and not really big cheats either... THIS IS HUGE! I used to cheat all the time, I used to pig out, I used to be obsessed with it all. And now, I just cheated three times in ONE MONTH! whoa. I am proud of myself. I just need to keep it up (not the cheating, the LACK of cheating!). Today I had a bit of chocolate in anticipation for tomorrow, a small treat for the big day. Tomorrow marks the start of another big change, I know that I can do it... I've proven it already. I am so proud of what I have done, who I have become (in regards to self discipline) THANK YOU! for your support, I am seriously going to need it more and more these next six months.

I'll post my results tomorrow... just in case you're a little curious.

Be Blessed! :)